I haven't kept a journal for so long it feels strange writing here now. Life has taken its course and I have been thrown from place to place. I have changed, but being back at home is reminding me of the way I used to be and I slowly feel myself turning back into the lazy thinker who finds no motivation for much these days apart from things that require no effort.

I was in a place which was not perfect - far from it in fact - but I was with people who I cared about, and who equally cared for me. We went through so much together - good times and bad times - relationships were made that will be hard to shake and move on from. A spark that had started a forest fire of affection and inspiration has been tamed to embers waiting to be fed more fuel.

The past is something I thought I had escaped and locked away to be forgotten. But being back takes me back and there are regrets - so many regrets..... why could I have not been better?

It's this place I think - I am trapped within the confines of the prison bars that are the preconceptions and opinions of everyone. I ask myself why I care so much about this, and I can't help but retort with "Because everyone cares about it!"

Every step is heavy here - always questions floating through my mind "Is this right?" "Will this be acceptable to so and so?" "If I sit like this what will people think?" "If I talk like this how will people respond?"

I miss the days after I left and before I returned. Those days had only simple questions: "Is this what I want?" "Will this make me happy?"

lol - I can't make a commitment to this journal because I feel quite certain that I can't keep it! But I will try and keep those embers going till something interesting comes along and brings the heat back to things.